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Feeling no affection.. - 10/16/2008 2:43:48 PM
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stillovinhim
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My husband and I have been married for 18 yrs. One of the things I fell in love with my husband was his affection and the different ways he showed me. Up until maybe 4 years ago the affection and "intamacy" has gone by the wayside. During these 4 years we have had some ups and downs in our marriage, one major one was me finding out about his infidelity 2 1/2 yrs ago. He seems to never want to "cuddle" with me or just hold me, he'll kiss me but just brief hug or kiss, he says it's because he's in pain, he has chronic neck pain and headaches BUT he can cuddle and play with the dog and do other things, that really hurts, I was the one initiating things with only feeling like he was doing it because he had to, I don't really feel "love" when he does it. During the last 3 yrs I don't initiate it anymore because I feel like he just doesn't care to be with me romantically. We have talked about this and he says he loves being with me but then why doesn't he show affection, why does it seem so hard? I am fit and take care of myself, but one thing he says is you don't initiate it? and I've explained why and now the only time he cuddles with me anymore is when he wants to be intimate and that hurts, What do I do? I feel hurt and it makes it so much worse because I am recovering from his infidelity that was 17 yrs ago. (I found out 2 1/2 yrs ago).
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RE: Feeling no affection.. - 10/16/2008 3:02:45 PM
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crankius
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My guess is that the unfaithfulness is having an impact in your marriage. Whatever happened to cause the distance prior to the unfaithfulness is also an issue.
Did you both seek counseling? Together or apart?
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Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?
Ecclesiastes 7:16
SYSTEMATIC THEOLOGY
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RE: Feeling no affection.. - 10/16/2008 5:22:28 PM
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stillovinhim
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Well actually let me explain, his infidelity was 16 years ago, I only found out 2 1/2 yrs ago, we had a lot of affection and intamacy throughout our marriage, then about 4 yrs ago about the time his mom got sick through now it's been almost non excitant, we had alot happen in those 4 years, his moms sickness then death, my husbands med problems back then then finding out the infidelity. He seems to try and do ok for awhile then it goes away almost like he really could care less if he's affectionate with me or not, only doing it because he knows that's what I want, to me if he wanted it to it wouldn't be so on and off. Thanks
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RE: Feeling no affection.. - 10/16/2008 5:54:56 PM
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stillovinhim
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thanks truthreaveled for sharing with me, I know he used to like to be affectionate, but anymore he doesn't seem to like it. We have talked about it and he will be affectionate for awhile then it drifts away,almost like he is forced into doing it, he isn't doing on his own because that's what he wants and the only time he gets affectionate is when he wants to be intimate then I feel used. I have "gone for it" many many times, but I feel silly when I feel like he's not reciprocating and brushes me off with complaints of not feeling well, but then turns around and goes right to cuddling and playing with the dog, so I have given up on going for it, he always says he likes to be affectionate but he rarely ever is. He uses me for his complaining when not feeling well which I expect because I am his wife, but I would LOVE for him to want affection at this time to be held and want me to hold him and want that but he seems to want it from the dog more than me.
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RE: Feeling no affection.. - 10/16/2008 8:04:52 PM
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buckifn
Posts: 1867
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when was the last time the two of you went away together just to be alone? I would try that, along with counseling.
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RE: Feeling no affection.. - 10/16/2008 8:45:01 PM
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Cindy.GlorySite
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I agree with truthrevealed, you both seek affection, then make it happen. Maybe slowly is what you need. If his neck is the problem, have him sit on the floor in front of you in a chair, and massage his neck to help him feel better. Watch a good romantic funny movie to lighten the tension. Get used to being close to each other, even if it's just foot rubs, neck rubs, hugs, etc. Let him know you care if he is in pain with his neck. Holding hands while walking keeps you feeling really close. You can do little things. Ask him to sit with you on the sofa and you'll rub his feet. Ask him to hold you because you need a pair of strong arms around you. Do make him feel important to your life.
As for the infidelity, just forgive. Forgive the way Christ forgives us. We all mess up and it was a long time ago and in a different time. Pray together to walk in obedience to Christ as a couple. And think on all his good qualities you love so much, try to fall in love again.
My husband and I rub each others feet while we watch TV. I look forward to it all day. It is so comforting and relaxing. I'm new here, but look forward to meeting you all. Cindy
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RE: Feeling no affection.. - 10/16/2008 10:32:09 PM
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stillovinhim
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Thanks everyone, we do hold hands when we are out and sit on the couch together (alot of the times) but it's beyond those things, he doesn't seem to like to play, cuddle with me anymore, he complains alot and I try to have sympathy for him but it's hard to when he uses that as a reason why he doesn't cuddle or play with me, BUT he can play around with the dog or go dirtbike riding. I feel last even with him sitting with me, he will be on the computer or phone or playing around with the dog or the kids, then he'll come sit with me then it goes on with him complaining, again I know that I am his wife and that's what I'm heere for and I am fine with him complaining but I just want attention too if he can give it out other place
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RE: Feeling no affection.. - 10/17/2008 5:23:32 PM
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jaimestarcross
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Has the affair ever been discussed?
Or was it swept under the rug so to speak after "it" was ended?
Do you harbor ill feelings toward him because of the affair?
(Your spouse can sense those ill feelings)
Do you show him the same affection/love as you did when
you and him first married?
What's been done to retain or regain that "spark"?
*A Weekend To Remember - might be a good thing you
and him... here's a link to the website:
http://www.familylife.com/site/c.dnJHKLNnFoG/b.3204559/
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RE: Feeling no affection.. - 10/17/2008 7:08:12 PM
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firefighter38310
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I can relate to affection lacking but I get more than I give. I am an affectionate person but I am not an electrical switch. Usually I have to deal with the why of my loss of affection then it usually returns fast. I also assume to a fault my wife is a mind reader.
Angie must know the ER was full today or either I haven’t had any sleep because we had several 911 calls during the night. I have always tried to include humor in my life and I also try to share moments I find amusing in my writing.
I walk in the bedroom reeking of smoke and dirty, “Well”, I announce, “you can tell we have been married over three years now”.
Angie pulls covers back and looks up and sleepily asks, “Why”?
“Because you always were awake when I returned from a fire call”
Angie smiles, “I had the hand held radio on and there wasn’t any trouble”.
“I know I just like knowing your awake……anyway. I got a favor”
“I know I smell like smoke and a little dirty but can I please get under the covers without showering. I know you don’t like that but I have to go to the hospital in 2 hours to work and if I take a shower I will never go back to sleep.”
Angie grins, “Sure but please don’t cuddle”.
I know that events like affairs can ruin intimacy .My wife and I haven’t took that step yet to screw the marriage up even farther. I do have something I think is as bad for marriages that I am so guilty of. I am selfish sometimes (maybe more than sometimes). Selfishness is the direct opposite of intimacy. Sometimes I think because I work two and a half jobs or maybe my lifestyle is more important I forget the most special person in my life; my wife.
With all that’s going on this week and the growing God seems to be putting me through. My most important job is as a servant of God, then my wife and then my children. The hospital and fire department will do fine without me but I made a commitment to my wife to love and cherish above all.
I will pray for your husband and you. I know it’s hard. Try to forgive and forget. That’s for the both of you. I think one of the central points of Gods message to us is to repent and forgive. Intimacy a gift for married couples. I guess sometimes we see the gift under the tree and forget what’s in the package.
God bless yall dave
_____________________________
if you want the mission accomlished overnight..dont call Fed-Ex call a Navy Seal Team
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RE: Feeling no affection.. - 10/17/2008 8:21:37 PM
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42servehymn
Posts: 386
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For me personally one of the best ways for me to feel more affection is to give more affection. When I really focus on pleasing him in and out of the bedroom it makes me love him more. I'm not sure why it works but for me it really does work. Now having said that I will say that I have been neglecting my marriage lately. I am tired. I have been working 7 days a week. I need to get back to basics and work on spoiling my husband. I am actually home sick today. I have a cold coming on so I took the afternoon off to come home and sleep to hopefully head it off. I just put dinner in the crockpot and I will make some efforts to clean up the house, put on soft music, light a candle or two and be purty when he comes home and we'll see what happens. You could start a thread in women only about doing nice things for your husband. You will get some new ideas and possibly some accountability.
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RE: Feeling no affection.. - 10/29/2008 10:35:39 PM
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numbingeffect
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There are alot of things that can effect why, as you say, does not display his affection toward you. It's kind of ironic that so many men are usually the ones that screaming because of the on-going lonliness in marriage that WE (most of us) endure. First of all, I don't think the affair is even worth mentioning at this point. I doubt it has anything whatsoever to do with your current situation. To clarify, I think the affair was an outward manifestation of what is going on inside of him and the relationship with you. This lack of affection is one of the outward displays of the inner things. Like me I try to discuss things with my wife. It usually will cause an impact for about two weeks and then it's back to the same old way of living. tsk tsk... life is too short. I say grab him and communicate. Life is WAY too short. Who wants to live with regrets when all you have to do is talk. Sometimes writing is even better because it gives you
the opportunity to contemplate what you're feeling and trying to communicate. Most of the time it's difficult to verbally communicate because emotions run high.
I don't know anything about your actual relationship but if it's anything like mine let me share this with you. My wife loves affection as well. If I were to quit lavishing affection toward her I'm certain she would freak out or at least I'd hope. Here's the deal, I've always stated to my wife that she treats her dog better than she treats me. AND THAT IS A FACT!! This church we used to attend I once heard the Minister state that alot of husbands are in line right after the family dog. I laughed but want to carry that a step further.
Most husbands aren't even on their wife's list of things to do!!! So it's as though we're not even in line! We get passed over when it comes to attentiona and affection. Right after the dog my foot!! We're not even seen as standing in line waiting!! haha.
I don't know if that sheds some light or makes things worse.
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RE: Feeling no affection.. - 10/30/2008 4:05:27 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2064
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Ugh! It's so hard to post using my iPhone but I'm at soccer practice. I just lost what i syarted to tell you I so relate to where you are. Dh and I did this dance for years - at least 7 of our 12 years married. Even down to him complaining the I kissed the dog more than him! I did! I wasn't hurt by my dog or feel guilty for letting him down or afraid he'd reject me. I never wondered what the dog was thinking!
For us, it ended recently with dh having a fling with one of my best friends from church (thankfully not an all-out sexual affair but probably only by God's grace). It's been a big ugly painful wake up call for both of us. If both your needs remain unmet, your in very real danger of another affair. Don't be me. Don't sit back and watch that happening. Being round 2 would only make it that much harder to survive.
We just started reading "his needs her needs" and I highly recommend it! I want to read everything by Willard harley. I can't get it on this phone and can't risk losing what I've typed again to try, but there's a lot of great info on his website too.
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RE: Feeling no affection.. - 10/31/2008 10:37:03 AM
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iwillfearnoevil
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quote:
ORIGINAL: csl7037
We just started reading "his needs her needs" and I highly recommend it! I want to read everything by Willard harley. I can't get it on this phone and can't risk losing what I've typed again to try, but there's a lot of great info on his website too.
excellent book, it's my fave marriage related book i think!!! people usually don't fall in love by accident, it comes from the other person's actions and words that over time add up ... this book describes the process of meeting your spouse's most important emotional needs ... there's a lot more depth to it than chapman's love language book which i hear from some people as too vague or too general ... this book gets really specific ...
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RE: Feeling no affection.. - 10/31/2008 11:24:02 AM
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AboundinginHisGrace
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I suggest you guys talk about it, you share with him what you are feeling. Do this in love. I suggest you guys read your bibles together before you go to sleep at night, and spend time together when its just you two together doing things together, not watching tv, but something that you are both engaged together with. I will pray for you guys. I hope I made it clear that you need to do things together.
_____________________________
Ephesians 2:8 For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, 9 not of works, lest anyone should boast.
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RE: Feeling no affection.. - 10/31/2008 12:01:16 PM
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iwillfearnoevil
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quote:
ORIGINAL: AboundinginHisGrace
spend time together when its just you two together doing things together, not watching tv, but something that you are both engaged together with. I will pray for you guys. I hope I made it clear that you need to do things together.
definately - tv doesn't count - at least it doesn't register for most people - this might be helpful:
The Recreational Enjoyment Inventory
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RE: Feeling no affection.. - 11/1/2008 7:02:22 AM
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MisterTR
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I heard somewhere that praying together is the best way to build intimacy. It can be hard to do when there is a lack of intimacy, but maybe you can start slow and build up to more honest and open prayer together.
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"And we know that all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
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RE: Feeling no affection.. - 11/1/2008 11:24:01 AM
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csl7037
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But with everything between them, getting to the point of being able to pray together, may seem next to impossible. One of the worst things about the relationship dh let develop with my friend was that they prayed together about it - prayed together about stopping it, never letting that happen again. It happened 3 or 4 more times - praying together really does increase intimacy. It's a very intimate thing. Dh really didn't get that or why he was putting himself in such a dangerous position. This was hard to hear because we've always struggled with this, being able to pray together. We're working on this now and are so amazed at what God is doing to get so much of the stuff we put between us out of the way. It's been miraculous! But we're going to have to be ultra diligent to keep from letting it build up again. The OPs struggles aren't about affection; it's about affection and a hundred other things getting in the way and all that needs to be broken down.
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RE: Feeling no affection.. - 11/3/2008 6:09:04 PM
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csl7037
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stilllovinhim, we were just bumped back over here from the new thread you started about not knowing if you love your dh or not. I feel such hurt and confusion in your post(s) and I'm so sorry. But, to answer that one, please realize loving him is something you have to choose to do. God said it's not good for man to be alone - you are both so alone now and neither of you are meeting each other's needs the way God designed marriage to have them be met. I was alone in the same room with my dh for years and so was he. Please pick up "His Needs, Her Needs". It's at least a start and you'll definitely see yourself in the pages of this book. Have you forgiven him for the affair? Does he know that? Has he forgiven himself? Has he forgiven you? Have you asked him to? Because none of us is perfect, we've all let our spouses down in a million ways and even if his betrayal was somewhat ultimate (but not insurmountable), your little betrayals, like mine, were hurtful as well. Have you forgiven yourself for that as well? These are probably all things you talked through in counselling but maybe you weren't ready to face it all then. For true healing, there has to be true repentance and forgiveness and you have to be able to lay it on the line and humble yourself for your spouse and for your marriage. He does too - but you can't control that. You have to work on becoming the wife God has called you to be, find freedom in Him from any guilt, bitterness, fear that you're holding on to. And then, whatever your dh does in response will really be between Him and the Lord, God will reward your obedience and submission to him no matter what happens. But I really think, if you can get free from this, He'll be able to see Christ in you and will seek freedom as well. Please don't give up in despair. God doesn't give up on us.
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RE: Feeling no affection.. - 11/7/2008 11:11:56 AM
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keepingfaith
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quote:
You have to work on becoming the wife God has called you to be, find freedom in Him from any guilt, bitterness, fear that you're holding on to. And then, whatever your dh does in response will really be between Him and the Lord, God will reward your obedience and submission to him no matter what happens. But I really think, if you can get free from this, He'll be able to see Christ in you and will seek freedom as well. Please don't give up in despair. God doesn't give up on us.
Very good counsel here. You don't have to worry about trusting your husband... all you have to do is trust God. Remember that love is a command (the greatest commandment) and not a feeling. We have to love and forgive out of obedience, even when we are rejected and hurt... the same way Jesus loves us through years before many of us accepted and had anything to do with Him.
God made marriage to be an earthly illustration of Christ's love for the church and His covenant with us. When you see how sacred it is to Him, it changes your perspective. Our purpose in marriage is to be a witness to the world of His covenant keeping love... and to show that He can be trusted to bring us through the trials. We have to walk in AGAPE love, love that keeps no record of wrongs... love that expects nothing in return and is not based on how the other person is treating us, loving even our enemies.
God works ALL THINGS together for the good of those who love Him, EVEN the bad stuff. He can use this for His Glory.... we must trust Him and know that His ways are not our ways.
Let this be an opportunity for you to be a light that gives glory to God...read Matthew and how Jesus calls us to respond to those who hurt and betray us.... it is not what comes in the natural- only in the supernatural ability He gives us. And it is the opposite response of the worldly response.
I highly recommend the new movie Fireproof and the book that goes with it- the love dare. It is very profound and is changing many lives already.
God bless you...
_____________________________
"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." John 15:12-13
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RE: Feeling no affection.. - 11/8/2008 9:00:20 PM
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stillovinhim
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Thanks to everyone who has shared so much with me. I know I need to trust in the Lord and I know satin just keeps pulling me away, but I feel so confused and out of love with my husband I just don't know how to show him true love and affection when I don't feel it from him well sometimes I do but I feel his priorities are from me and little by little it just pushes me away. So much is pushing me away, the lack of trust I have when he walks out the door, him going dirtbike riding. I feel exhausted from all of this I'm tired, I feel like I don't care anymore. I know what all of you have told me, I havent' been on here in awhile so there was a lot of reading to do so I skimmed, I will go back and read more thoroughly later. I want to see Fireproof very badly and hope we can find time soon. Thanks for all your words of wisdom
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RE: Feeling no affection.. - 11/13/2008 9:28:01 PM
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stillovinhim
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I'm sorry I keep posting wrong, I just realized it's posting per marriage NOT per different topic. I apologize
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RE: Feeling no affection.. - 11/14/2008 6:36:42 AM
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csl7037
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quote:
Ok I am really hurt and angry right now. My husband has a few friends who send inappropriate emails, they have been told not to but I think after awhile they forget and periodically we get one, my husband doens't open emails until I have checked them out, if they are inappropriate I delete them (trust issues). So today he got an inappropriate email from someone who has been told, I deleted it and told him. He was talking with this guy on the phone today and the guy mentioned this email, my husband said, oh my she doesn't like those kinds of emails so she deletes them, it's best if you dont' send those kinds. Ok why did he blame it on me, he claims he doens't like them either, so why didn't he say WE don't like those kinds of emails so please don't send them. I mentioned it to him when he was done and he said like he was stupid or something and said well why would I say I don't like them when I didn't see it? I said you were telling him that I don't like any inappropriate emails so it should have been WE don't like them, he doens't get it and now we are both mad. How do I resolve things like this, it makes me more not want to be in this marriage that I can't trust him, how can you trust someone (he cheated before) when he can't even stand up to a friend on inappropriate emails, how in the world can he make a stand in other things? Please am I right wrong, how can I work this out, guys maybe you have a thought?
I understand what you're saying but really don't think it's a big deal. My dh had a fraternity brother that used to send him this stuff - back when we shared an email if you can believe that! It's not something that's really ever been a problem for dh or between us so I ignored it for a while and one day finally emailed back and said STOP IT! He did.
Dh blames me for a lot of stuff and I really don't mind. It usually has to do with his family and goes something like "she wont let me send you money because you need to get a job" but I don't mind. I don't care what they think and, if it helps him end a conversation quicker or get them off his back, blame it on me because they wont dare come to me to complain or push it any further.
Was it wimpy not to own it? Maybe. But did it save him a lot of grief and a much longer discussion, probably. I don't mind being the bad guy. I wouldn't worry about it.
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RE: Feeling no affection.. - 11/14/2008 8:38:46 AM
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buckifn
Posts: 1867
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about your other thread...reading his email first is not going to bring what you are truly seeking. It's a way you are using outter control and it is not an answer to the real issue.
Developing trust takes time. It's obvious your attempts to control him by reading and deleting email as you choose is failing. One reason why that will always fail is because change has to come from the inside out. If he is not changed on the inside NOTHING you do will matter.
Is he getting spiritual counseling? Are the two of you receiving counseling together? Both needs to happen imo.
Do the two of you pray together? Holding hands and lifting your marriage up to God would be far more effective than deleting emails and complaining when he doesn't speak up to a friend on the phone about it.
PRAYER WORKS- which is prob. why the devil gives people so many excuses not to do it.
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. Based solely on what you've written it seems as if your husband does desire affection, is that accurate? Than perhaps the revelation on what happened years ago has caused you both to be reserved as it concerns intimacy. He could feel guilty and really desire to be affectionate but needs you to kinda' prod him a little. (I've heard this a million times and have just now come to accept it's truth and that is---that sex for a married man is really how they connect with their wives---it's not just a physical act for men. I accepted this truth because having fought it for so long(and still having my moments)I know that my husband loves me and is not out to just use me for his pleasure...so I believe that for him, it's the perfect reflection and manifestation of our "oneness." Especially since, men don't "communicate" like we do. 
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