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Horrible situation - Please advise - 10/15/2008 10:59:52 AM
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Jaded23
Posts: 7
Joined: 1/27/2006
Status: offline
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Hello everyone,
This will be a long post but I want most of the details out there for your consideration. I am a 44-year-old Christian woman. I was raised in a Christian family (with the exception of my father) and came to Christ at a very young age, probably around 5, and chose to be baptized at age 10.
While extended family on my mother's side were all believers, including my mother, I was raised in a very dysfunctional immediate family. My father was a drug addict and alcoholic. He got into a lot of trouble with the law, and my mother divorced him when I was 10. He was always in and out of our lives up until that point so until she told me that, I would have guessed they were divorced much sooner. She was afraid to leave him sooner because of violence. I saw her get hit, I saw my father point a loaded gun at her and threaten to kill her, telling my sister and I to say goodbye to our mommy because we were never going to see her again. We moved from apartment to apartment.
At age 8 I was molested terribly by a group of teenage boys for about a year. At age 16 I was raped by a stranger on a camping trip with friends, they all knew what was happening and no one helped me. By that time I had become involved in drugs and alcohol. I didn't remember anything about my prior sexual abuse. I was a mess.
At age 18 I met the man who would become my husband. This was someone who really cared about me. I fell head over heels for him. I longed for stability in my life and a man who would protect me and keep me safe.
After 5 years of dating we married. I was not walking with God at the time and my husband was not a believer. When we were dating, he always had porn magazines in his room. It bothered me, but I thought, well, he's a teenage guy. Then I stopped seeing them and I was happy. I thought, he has a girlfriend now, he doesn't need to look at that.
The week after we married, he sat on the couch looking at a porn mag. It bothered me, so I asked him if he wouldn't look at them anymore. He said sure, put it down, and I never saw anything again.
But my husband always wanted me to dress provacatively and I lived with constant innuendo. However, we were deeply in love, and I blinded myself to alot out of love for him.
When our first child was born in 1990, I began to want to go back to church. I cried to my husband telling him I loved him and didn't want him to go to hell. He had alot of my family praying for his salvation. He agreed to go to church with me and we joined a Bible Study for non-believers. It was through this study that he accepted Christ into his life.
He began to change. We went from Sunday church attenders to weekend and midweek attenders, became involved in small groups and serving in the church. My husband was baptized. We became small group leaders and sought God's guidance in every aspect of our lives.
We felt Him leading us to move out of state. We followed and my husband became a top executive at a very well known and respected International Christian Relief Organization, and a deacon in our new church. We prayed about opening our own business, God worked everything out perfectly. I ran the business and homeschooled our 2 children while my husband continued to work full time.
But the business was failing and I couldn't figure out why. It was during this time that my husband became cold toward me. We were living as roommates and his innuendo became prominent, even in front of the children.
I trusted this man with all my heart. This was the one person in my life who would never hurt me. Well, our business failed. We had to sell our house and move to pay our business loan. God provided a wonderful new house for us with the left over equity.
**warning - graphic sharing - do not read if offended**
After many years of praying, journaling, and counseling on my part, God healed me of ALL of my childhood wounds. It was the most wonderful six months of my entire life. I was sooooo happy. Then one evening shortly after moving into our new home I was going to take a bath. My husband was downstairs on the computer. I walked down to ask him something and caught him quickly closing the browser. But I caught enough of a glimpse to know what he was looking at.
He denied it vehemently, but his bedroom desires became more and more perverted.
I confronted him for 3 years about this. He continued to look me in the eye and deny he was getting these ideas from porn. I searched and searched the computer for some evidence but could find none. He wanted to photograph me and post nude pictures of me on the internet. I was extremely depressed this whole time. While loading the camera software I discovered temporary Internet files showing all he was looking at.
I confronted him. He cried and admitted he has been addicted to porn for many, many years. He begged for my forgiveness and promised to change. I forgave him. I wanted him to seek counseling. He agreed, but only went twice and quit. He didn't think he had a problem, to him, there were many men out there who had bigger issues with it, and he was *normal*.
I went to counseling on my own. (Christian). I asked him to go with me, or to go by himself. He refused. He continued to get worse and worse in his fantasies, no longer content with just fantasizing, but wanting to make it a reality.
I got so depressed I couldn't function anymore. I finally went to a doctor and after breaking down in the office was immediately placed on an anti-depressant.
But my husband continued. He wanted me to do things like go to strip clubs and strip on "amateur night". I repeatedly told him no, told him to stop doing this, wrote him letters telling me to stop. He would get all contrite for a few days, acting like I was a prude and he was a hurt little puppy. Then he'd go back to the same pattern.
After 5 years, he was offered a job as COO of the company he left when God led us to a new state. We prayed about it and moved back. So, here we are now. He has not changed. I left and came home 3 times. Twice staying a couple weeks with a friend, and finally getting a job after 14 years as a stay-at-home mom and renting my own place. The last time we were separated for 9 months, we filed for divorce, but *dated* and ended up cancelling our attorneys. Before I left that time, I insisted my husband get counseling. He agreed, went a couple times and asked if I would go. Instead of him getting help with his addiction, it turned into marriage counseling. My husband never wanted me to leave and never wanted a divorce. Telling me that he is willing to make it work and commit to me if I am willing to commit "100 percent" to him. I keep praying and thinking he will change, and I thought God wanted me to go home, I believed he had let it go after this last separation. So, in July, I came home.
The first week I was home I noticed him doing some conspicuous things on his laptop, trying to hide his actions from me. I checked his history but it wasn't set. So, I set it. A few weeks later I went back and checked it. I found he was posting on Craiglist He was advertising for married and discreet. Two days later he left early for work
I confronted him again. He cried. Said that when I left he was lonely and posted on Craigslist looking for a friend to talk to. Said he met a woman in Tennessee that was into gay porn and she liked him to post things and send her the replies. He said she emailed him after no contact for a while and that's why he posted that.
I don't believe him. He posted that for a time and area (neighboring suburb) that made it possible. I asked him if he wanted a friend, why didn't he post in the platonic area. He said he tried but got no responses. I did a little test. I posted in the platonic area and got lots of platonic replies.
Our whole relationship is ruined. I can never trust him again. I can never be intimate with him again. I want to leave. I want a divorce, but I'm scared. My job pays little and part of the reason I came home when I did was because I was broke and lonely. I have known nothing but life with my husband for 26 years now.
I told him after this last incident that I can't do it anymore. He said fine, for me to look for a place to live. But then he goes back to all "lovely-dovey", doesn't call an attorney, and talks about our future plans.
I feel stuck. I can't afford to move out. I care about him, I love him, but I love him as a friend, as a brother. I care about him after all our years together, but I can't be a wife to him anymore. I have tried for 7 years now to make this work. I am so depressed I can hardly bring myself to go to work and called in sick 2 days last week. We haven't been to church in months, and I don't feel like going anyway. We don't really have a church family here anymore. I have been suicidal for years now, but God won't let me do it. Even though I think about it all the time as my only way out, I could never do it, so don't worry about that.
When he is happy, and things are going his way, or if he's "in trouble" (like now), he is on his best behavior. If he's mad or things aren't going his way, he becomes very mean with his words and sarcasm. I can't take it. I'm scared. I want to leave and I don't know how. We have 2 children now aged 15 and next month, our daughter will be 18. I leave them in the house with my husband. I don't want to hurt them again. He is a very very good father, and I don't want them to lose their house and their school routine. My leaving means leaving with nothing.
God, help me! I have been journaling and praying constantly. I need strength, I need guidance, I need provision. I need advice from men and woman of God, the need the outside eyes and wisdom of godly people.
Please, counsel me on this.
< Message edited by karlie -- 10/15/2008 2:21:47 PM >
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RE: Horrible situation - Please advise - 10/15/2008 11:47:43 AM
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crankius
Posts: 4490
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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From my understanding, you have Biblical grounds to leave him. He has not shown true repentance, which would mean coming clean on ALL of his unfaithful behaviors, and seeking ONGOING Christian counseling and accountability for his addiction.
I personally wouldn't value financial security over purity. I value purity much more than financial security.
If you get a divorce, he can pay child support, or if you get a legal separation, financial details can be determined then as well. I can't tell you if you should divorce or legally separate, but I can say that you definitely have Biblical grounds for leaving.
He is not following God, and he has a long pattern of unfaithfulness and perversion.
Are you certain none of his abhorrent behaviors have been observed by your children? Are you confident they know nothing of the darkness that is happening in the household?
quote:
We don't really have a church family here anymore.
But you did attend for a while, so did you get to know the pastor? Please go visit with your pastor, tell him your story, and see if he can refer you to a trusted Christian counselor. Get in with a church family where you can have Christian support and counsel to get you through this situation.
Put God first in your life. God can restore anything, but it takes two fully repentant people seeking after Him for restoration to take place. If your husband doesn't fully repent and seek ongoing counsel and accountability, you can't have restoration or reconciliation.
_____________________________
Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?
Ecclesiastes 7:16
SYSTEMATIC THEOLOGY
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RE: Horrible situation - Please advise - 10/15/2008 12:14:00 PM
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3tulips
Posts: 324
Joined: 2/1/2007
From: sandy shore
Status: offline
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You need to get into a church. You need to work on you, your healing. Be surrounded by believers. Find other women that can pray for you and that will listen to you. One might even be in your situation or has been in your situation.
_____________________________
I opened up the mouth of love and found the wisdom tooth. Larry Norman 1947 - 2008
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RE: Horrible situation - Please advise - 10/15/2008 12:27:46 PM
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coco101032003
Posts: 13
Joined: 10/1/2008
Status: offline
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I am 26 years old and only been married for 3 years. But my mom went through something like this in her marriage and I can share her testimony. First I want to tell you how sorry I am for you from the beginning of your childhood to now. you are such a brave person and I admire you for this.
My mother was in a abusive and controlling marriage for 19 years with my dad. I do not speak with him now because of some of these things and I cant respect him anymore. He was always a ok dad to us but to my mother he was terrible. He actually had an affair and was still having it while they were married and she after 19 years decided it was enough. she didnt make much money and had me and my brother to take care of. Well I was 19 and my brother was 15. She told me she stayed in it for all those years because she had no money she was scared and she wanted to be with us. She didnt want to leave us either but didnt know what else to do.
Finally after 19 years of marriage she couldnt do it anymore and left our home. We were upset and wanted her to come back but I knew it was the best. At first she got her own apartment it wasnt in the best part of town but she managed. Her job didnt pay that much but she made it somehow. I stayed with her for a little while and so did my brother. My dad sold our house and moved in with his mistress. So I moved out got an apartment with my boyfriend (huge mistake) and started college. My mom was very depressed for awhile and quit going to church. which I forgot to tell you my grandfather was a preacher and we were at church EVERY sunday. My mother even told me at times then she did think about suicide. I would have been devastated and it makes me cry to think that she was so depressed and me being a young girl wasnt there for her. I was partying and trying not to think about how this had affected my brother and mom. I just didnt want to think about it at all.
Well she made it through and the only thing that picked her up was GOD. She would literally make herself get out of bed on sunday and go to church. She went to counseling and bible studies kept herself busy throughout the week and became a stronger than ever CHRISTIAN woman. Now that wasnt always the case and it wasnt easy at all for her to do. through these years there have been many men in and out of her life and some were bad. She married again and he too was awful to her and again she had to get out. This time I had just married my husband and my brother was living with me and I wasnt letting her fall again. I asked her to also move in with me and help me with bills and we would split everything and be happy all together. Well she got on some christian web site and found her now husband. They talked for months and met and then married. He lives 2 hours away so I wasnt to happy about her moving with him but she is FINALLY HAPPY.
My mother has always been a very dependent person on men especially. But when everything fell apart with her and my dad even though it took awhile she left. she had to have GOD though all of it and her kids. She is ok now and I thank GOD everyday for her happiness. I hope that you find happiness oneday and it sounds like it is going to be a hard road for awhile but I do want you to know it can get better. When you go back into a church and become a strong christian woman again which I know you will. Have you ever thought about being a counselor for abused children or teens? That would be an awesome job for you and I think you would have a great testimony and could help alot of kids or adults.
I know I jumped the gun but I have so much faith in JESUS our LORD. He will help you through this and hold your hand every step of the way. Please keep me informed because I want to pray for you in whatever you decide to do but I would definitely say get back in church and give it whole-heartedly to GOD. He will be the one to pull you through this and church will give you the support and fellowship you need to lean on. You will be in my prayers and so will your family.
< Message edited by coco101032003 -- 10/16/2008 11:09:10 AM >
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RE: Horrible situation - Please advise - 10/15/2008 2:43:34 PM
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Jaded23
Posts: 7
Joined: 1/27/2006
Status: offline
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Thank you for your replies and understanding. My original post has been fairly heavily edited, I tried to be conscientious with my language while still giving the true picture of the situation.
I do want to leave. I have to leave. I need strength. I am severely depressed, and also very angry, which makes taking action difficult for me. I have been searching for affordable apartments online, and posted here to share my story and seek guidance and encouragement.
I think my children may notice small things, but not much. My husband is a master *hider*. He leads a double life. He has his public self, whom everyone loves, and his secrets, which he tried hiding from me, and was successful in for many years, until he couldn't control it anymore.
He does alot for his family, which makes him look like the perfect husband to others. When I left, I was viewed as *the bad guy*. I was the one with issues. *rolls eyes*.
Please pray that God will give me strength to take the hard steps I need to take, and that he will provide a place for me to go.
Thank you so much again, for sharing you stories, your words of wisdom, your encouragement, and your acceptance. Often, in the Christian community, there are some that are quick to judge. I have experienced none of that, and I am grateful.
Our home church is a mega-church. It is the church my husband came to Christ through, the church we served in, the church we had leadership roles in. There are support groups, timing of meetings, and my depression have kept me from seriously seeking attendance. Our former small group leaders have since moved out of state.
We were gone for 10 years before returning to the area 2 years ago. Aside from sporadic attendance, we haven't been active since returning. But I continue to pray and seek God's guidance on a daily basis.
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RE: Horrible situation - Please advise - 10/15/2008 2:48:06 PM
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crankius
Posts: 4490
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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God does not intend for any of us to go through struggles alone. He has surrounded us with faithful brothers and sisters in Christ, that we might seek help in a multitude of counselors, and that we might help carry the difficult burdens together.
Please, seek fellowship with other believers, even if it seems difficult to do.
I pray that the Lord directs your footsteps to exactly where you will get the solid Biblical support you need.
_____________________________
Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?
Ecclesiastes 7:16
SYSTEMATIC THEOLOGY
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RE: Horrible situation - Please advise - 10/15/2008 3:24:36 PM
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myka
Posts: 816
Status: offline
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I'm so sorry for what you are going through. 
Does your home church have a counseling ministry, with professional counselors, or could they refer you to a Christian counselor? Also, are you continuing to take anti-depressant medications?
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RE: Horrible situation - Please advise - 10/15/2008 10:39:30 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2063
Joined: 3/24/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
I really don't have any words of advice.
However, I am really, really worried for your children. If they haven't already been exposed to porn, they may yet be. And the extent of his perversion and his lack of sexual inhibitions makes it a concern for their safety as well. Something to consider as you weigh whether to stay or leave.
I also think this is a very dangerous situation and I'm glad to hear your resolve to leave - stick to it. I'm concerned for all of your safety. What you describe sounds like more than an issue of impurity and unfaithfulness . . . it's a perversion that is escalating. I worry, left unchecked, untreated, where this road will take him and I do not want you or your children anywhere near that.
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RE: Horrible situation - Please advise - 10/16/2008 12:58:16 AM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 766
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
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It starts with you taking the necessary steps to improve
your situation. Keeping secrets will keep you bound and feeling
unable to leave. There are many resources available - but it's up to you
to take the steps to accessing those resources. Getting separated from your spouse - start by choosing an attorney - the attorney will work out getting financial support for yourself(if it is available to you in your state) and child support for minor children. Get job training - contact your local department of social services or Job Employment Office and find out what's available to you. I know many women who started working as housekeeper/cook - or as a health care worker in a private home - child care/nanny. These are skills you already have since you are a wife and mother. ( I worked as a housekeeper and health care aide for many years; after my husband left me for another woman.)
Do make the effort to get plugged into a church family - you don't have to go it alone... there are caring Christians that will help but they need to know you need assistance.
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RE: Horrible situation - Please advise - 10/16/2008 5:28:24 AM
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Jaded23
Posts: 7
Joined: 1/27/2006
Status: offline
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I will go online today and take a look at the dates of support groups at church. I looked at them last fall when I left, but it was difficult to work with my schedule. I do have a good job that I like alot. The only downfall is the pay scale makes it almost impossible to live on. I am also continuing to look for better paying jobs. I have alot of prior administrative experience from before I had children, I ran my own business, and my current job is customer service. I am just an emotional wreck and I need to get out. I keep looking for a place to go but nothing seems to work out.
You all are right, I need the support of a church family. Be it through a small group, or support group. I am carrying alot of debt from my last stint on my own. In addition to the useless attorney fee I racked up, I have alot of CC debt from trying to make ends meet.
Thank you for the validation of my husbands problem, and for not blaming an *addiction*. I'm so sick of everything being an uncontrollable addiction. We can make choices. I know he has prayed for forgiveness, but he refuses to remain repentant. I've given up suggesting books or counseling to him. Unless he wants to change, I can do nothing. He needs to take a step of healing for himself, and I need to get out and heal.
I felt myself getting stronger when I was on my own, I should have NEVER come home. I should have found a way to keep moving forward. I was praying about it, and it sure seemed like God wanted me here, but He doesn't, right? He wants my healing. To stay in my current situation is immobilizing me.
We used to be so strong in our faith. So dedicated to the Lord. The enemy targeted my husbands weakness and has ruined our family, and ruined our service to the Lord. We went from being active servants to not even attending church.
How I wish my husband would have been strong and recognized the enemy's tactic. I even discussed it with him, yet he still allows himself to be manipulated by the enemy. I still have hope God can use me, but it will probably be many years down the road. I am useless right now.
Maybe I will look into a counseling degree and help hurting teens as a previous poster suggested. Or maybe someday I will speak at churches on the very damaging effects of pornography. Maybe it will be nothing more than getting my life together and living for God on a daily basis again. The only thing I know for sure is that even though I cannot see it, God has a plan for all of us.
< Message edited by Jaded23 -- 10/16/2008 5:39:06 AM >
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RE: Horrible situation - Please advise - 10/16/2008 11:14:52 AM
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coco101032003
Posts: 13
Joined: 10/1/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
coco,
Would you mind editing your post to add paragraph breaks? It would be so much easier to read.
]thankyou for the help as you can see im new at this and needed it. (lol)
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RE: Horrible situation - Please advise - 10/16/2008 11:22:33 AM
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coco101032003
Posts: 13
Joined: 10/1/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
Maybe I will look into a counseling degree and help hurting teens as a previous poster suggested. Or maybe someday I will speak at churches on the very damaging effects of pornography. Maybe it will be nothing more than getting my life together and living for God on a daily basis again. The only thing I know for sure is that even though I cannot see it, God has a plan for all of us.
This is a great idea.... I know you can do it because he is already working in your life and he does have a plan for all of us and you have an awesome testimony to share. I am going to keep you and your family on my prayer list and hope everything works out.
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RE: Horrible situation - Please advise - 10/16/2008 2:03:03 PM
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crankius
Posts: 4490
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
I will go online today and take a look at the dates of support groups at church. I looked at them last fall when I left, but it was difficult to work with my schedule....
You all are right, I need the support of a church family. Be it through a small group, or support group. I am carrying alot of debt from my last stint on my own. In addition to the useless attorney fee I racked up, I have alot of CC debt from trying to make ends meet.
Within a fellowship, connections are made. There may be a better living situation that someone will know about and can refer you to. There may be excellent counseling options that people will let you know about.
I strongly encourage you to go see your pastor, or since it is a large church, they may have someone on staff who specifically handles family counseling issues. If it makes it easier, you can take your first post from this thread and show it to your pastor. I imagine the words are hard to say!
While none of us are sinless, you are certainly not to blame for your husband's choice to live in a pattern of sin. It is HIS choice, and I don't want you to feel shame because of his choices.
Don't just look at a schedule to see if you can come to a support group, because it may very well be that your schedule will conflict and it may provide an easy excuse for you to not get the help and support you need.  Go see your pastor ASAP. Have I made this clear? 
There may be effective ways to lower your monthly expenses to where you can survive, especially if your husband pays child support. I am certain that your church has financial counselors who can assess your debt and your income and help you come up with a practical plan.
quote:
I am useless right now.
I understand you are saying that you are useless for church service right now, but I hope you aren't telling yourself that you are useless. As you seek the Lord, and try to serve Him in every area of your life, and as you live in the grace of Jesus Christ, you are a living temple of the Holy God, and you are God's workmanship, a new creature in Christ. This brings glory to God!
_____________________________
Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?
Ecclesiastes 7:16
SYSTEMATIC THEOLOGY
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RE: Horrible situation - Please advise - 10/16/2008 9:36:45 PM
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dsegars
Posts: 3
Joined: 7/13/2008
Status: offline
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My heart goes out to you. Without going into details my husband of 22 years told me he no longer wants to be married to me. We were Christians when we married and have been active in church our entire marriage. I think as a woman it is very hard to make a new life. We have spent so much time trying to make things work, we have given so much and we want so much for it to work out as we feel it should be.
I think you must leave. Your husband has not truely repented of sin. To repent is to go in the opposite direction. There must be a change of heart. He constantly returns to his sin. Also the children are affected more than you know. Your husband may seem to keep it all hidden but usually others know more than you think. Even you suspected for some time. Kids may be aware of things and it can affect their life. Still I have learned there is no one that can truely advise you-- and we desperately want someone to tell us what the right thing is to do. In reality only God can do that. He knows the hearts of all involved. Prayer and time in his Word are the only way I know to go through a rough time. It has proven itself to me over and over. God is there through the pain. The Psalms help me. David had a pretty messy life and we see his emotions poured out to God. Verses I have memorized over the years come glibly to my mind. It is one thing to memorize the words but another thing to live them. God has made the verse--Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he shall direct your paths. so real to me lately. How true are those words. Trust Him and He will guide you. Follow the principles you know to be true. God doesn't change. Take one step at a time and I will be remembering you in my prayers.--
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RE: Horrible situation - Please advise - 11/18/2008 5:09:06 AM
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Jaded23
Posts: 7
Joined: 1/27/2006
Status: offline
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I started a new thread because I couldn't find this one. I only showed 3 pages of posts on my computer.
Anyway, I hope you all see this and it doesn't get lost buried in the current thread.
Here's my new *thread*:
quote:
I posted about a month ago detailing problems in my long relationship with my husband. We've been together 26 years, married for 21. In a nutshell, he has been addicted to porn and hid it from me for many, many years before I discovered it. He got to the point where fantasy was no longer enough and he wanted to make them real. He has also been manipulative and controlling though he sees none of it in himself and says I am selfish.
I moved out for 9 months and came home only to find things haven't changed. In the last 5 months we have had about 4 major arguments resulting in unkind words being said to me in anger. I say I need to leave and then the next day everything's *normal*. We play family until it happens again. I am not good at confrontation, I hate it, so I have a hard time bringing the issue back up. But the stress is killing me.
This happened again last week. He says he is comfortable and at peace with God and that if I'm going to be unhappy, he'd rather I be unhappy with him...the one who understands and loves me. I don't trust him, and love him only platonically at this point. This has been going on for 7 years now. He has refused individual counseling which I feel he needs. I have been in individual counseling twice and marriage counseling once, briefly, with him.
Cutting to the chase...after this happened last week, I made arrangements to move out this Wednesday. After a *normal, play family* weekend I spoke to him about it tonight. He says the same thing, he loves me, he wants to take care of me, and would rather have me unhappy with him than unhappy without him. Again, even though I don't see repentence, he feels he is fine, and is happy with his lifestyle. (He is also a functional alcoholic)
So, I don't know what to do about Wednesday. I want to go, but I don't. I'm scared. I don't want regrets. I want our old family back, but there has been so much broken trust. Things keep going through the same cycle again and again. I know it's only a matter of time before it happens again. I feel I need to make a choice NOW, or it will be another 7 years in the same pattern.
Also, if I don't leave Wednesday, I'll lose the place I found. Please pray for me and offer me your words of wisdom.
Thanks.
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RE: Horrible situation - Please advise - 11/18/2008 10:57:01 AM
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laura...
Posts: 2925
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
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quote:
He says the same thing, he loves me, he wants to take care of me, and would rather have me unhappy with him than unhappy without him.
So, basicly, he wants you to be unhappy.
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This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Horrible situation - Please advise - 11/18/2008 11:54:58 AM
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Jaded23
Posts: 7
Joined: 1/27/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: laura...
quote:
He says the same thing, he loves me, he wants to take care of me, and would rather have me unhappy with him than unhappy without him.
So, basicly, he wants you to be unhappy.
LOL!
Well, he says he wants me to be happy. I developed major depression over this whole mess and am on an anti-depressant, which worked initially until the problems continued. He blames my depression on a *chemical imbalance*, I know it's situational. He thinks if I'm going to be depressed, I should at least stay with him "who will always understand me and take care of me".
I think I should leave, but I'm afraid to. I'm afraid of making a mistake I'll regret for the rest of my life. I'm also afraid of staying and being miserable for the rest of my life. To be honest, I don't see things changing in my hubands behavior. I don't believe he is actively looking at porn at this time, but there was another recent action that pushed me over the edge, and then just the everything little things/words/actions that I see that are influenced by his years long addiction.
He refuses to admit he has a problem or seek counseling. He thinks I am the one with the problem and that I make mountains out of molehills.
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RE: Horrible situation - Please advise - 11/18/2008 12:03:08 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6179
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Jaded23
I think I should leave, but I'm afraid to. I'm afraid of making a mistake I'll regret for the rest of my life. I'm also afraid of staying and being miserable for the rest of my life.
quote:
We have 2 children now aged 15 and next month, our daughter will be 18. I leave them in the house with my husband. I don't want to hurt them again. He is a very very good father, and I don't want them to lose their house and their school routine. My leaving means leaving with nothing.
Could you just clarify here? Are you seriously saying that if you leave, you will leave not just your husband but your children too?
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"Manda is right"
mvic, January 2009
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RE: Horrible situation - Please advise - 11/18/2008 1:40:11 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2063
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
quote:
ORIGINAL: Jaded23
I think I should leave, but I'm afraid to. I'm afraid of making a mistake I'll regret for the rest of my life. I'm also afraid of staying and being miserable for the rest of my life.
quote:
We have 2 children now aged 15 and next month, our daughter will be 18. I leave them in the house with my husband. I don't want to hurt them again. He is a very very good father, and I don't want them to lose their house and their school routine. My leaving means leaving with nothing.
Could you just clarify here? Are you seriously saying that if you leave, you will leave not just your husband but your children too?
We've already talked about this before . . .
quote:
ORIGINAL: csl7037
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ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
I really don't have any words of advice.
However, I am really, really worried for your children. If they haven't already been exposed to porn, they may yet be. And the extent of his perversion and his lack of sexual inhibitions makes it a concern for their safety as well. Something to consider as you weigh whether to stay or leave.
I also think this is a very dangerous situation and I'm glad to hear your resolve to leave - stick to it. I'm concerned for all of your safety. What you describe sounds like more than an issue of impurity and unfaithfulness . . . it's a perversion that is escalating. I worry, left unchecked, untreated, where this road will take him and I do not want you or your children anywhere near that.
...Can you seriously think it's a good idea to leave your children in this environment? I'm worried about what you daughter may have been exposed to as it is - nobody's that good at hiding something like this. Hiding from you because you didn't want to see it is easy enough . . . keeping secrets from kids - teenagers is much harder. And you want your 15 year old son around a man with the perversions you've described to us?!?! Are you saying when you've left before you left them there then? This borders on criminal, IMO.
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RE: Horrible situation - Please advise - 11/18/2008 2:01:10 PM
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buckifn
Posts: 1867
Joined: 5/23/2006
Status: online
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The best advice I can give you is 1. Secure a lawyer and 2. Get your pastor, or someone you can trust to help you obtain a place to live safely with you and your children.
There are so many wrongs happening here it would take me the next three hours to point them out...and there would still not be enough time. The amount of emotional abuse going on here is unbelievable and the level of risk for your children is alarming.
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well first of all you have every right to leave him because in the old testament if a spouse (either one or the other) does the act of adultry which you have caught him in.....you have the right to leave the realtionship. 
since he has had lust in his heart for other women and i think your post said men? oh my will then by all means my dear you must leave.!!! God would bless you if you left, because you are trying to save the marriage but if he has looked at others with lust....? you can do it. 
