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It's to late isn't it? - 11/15/2008 12:59:24 AM
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sstevens426
Posts: 6
Joined: 11/15/2008
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I am married to a beautiful girl. I am 25 she just turned 24. Since we were married in August of 07 I had been working over 50 hours a week most weeks to make sure things were paid for and just skimming by.She is working a part time job and is a student.
I found out just after our one year anniversary that she had been having an emotional affair with a man who lives in Alberta Canada (we live in upstate NY).
She had sent him lewed pictures of herself since late June when they started talking.
She left her email open one day and called me and told me to read it. The photos almost killed me from heartbreak and the photos enraged me. I only blamed myself for not being around more.
She felt that she had stopped loving me in March. After a couple weeks (and only 2 days of counseling) that she wanted a divorce and that we could only be friends. She asked me to go find someone else.
I made a horrible mistake and slept with another woman, I know how bad that is and I asked her forgiveness to which she replied "That is what I wanted I need you to move on"
Since then we have moved, I moved in with my sister and she moved into an efficiency. She continues to talk to him and thinks she is in love and it is more an attention thing and I know this to be true.
I still love her with all my heart and would give my life for her. Is there anything I can do anything I can say. I have been praying about this but my mind and heart are clouded with intense sorrow at loosing her.
I once had a dream that she died and I woke up crying and screaming in pain but this is so much worse.
I have also read on this site where people claim that love is less of a feeling than a commitment... To them I say if you could feel what I feel now you would understand that love is a feeling and it can be very intense if you have lost the ability to feel that I pity you. But that is not what I am asking about in this post. I am asking is there anything I can say or do to let her know that I still love her and I don't want to get a divorce in the year after our separation that I don't want to lose her for my transgressions? Or am I know being selfish and should let her go?
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RE: It's to late isn't it? - 11/15/2008 7:13:16 AM
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csl7037
Posts: 2064
Joined: 3/24/2008
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I don't think it's ever too late for God to do a miracle and intervene. But, at the same time, she's got free will and He's not going to force her heart to change and, at some point, you're just torturing yourself. I know a man who prayed for over a decade (may have been closer to two) for his marriage to be restored and he did see his miracle. He was a man in the church I grew up in; he let everybody know he was standing in faith for his marriage to be restored and it was years and years later, after we moved away, that I heard his wife was back, in church with him and they were remarried. And it's probably been another decade now that they've been back together. God can do amazing things! But, all too often, people harden their hearts and choose not to let Him in. You've got to focus on the Lord because regardless of what she chooses, He'll walk you through this. I don't think there's really anything else you can say or do.
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RE: It's to late isn't it? - 11/15/2008 7:52:07 PM
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Simway
Posts: 59
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My heart goes out to you. I know you are hurting and she is also. She may not want to admit it, but she is. To answer you question, no it's never too late to repair the damage, and move ahead. It will however take work and a lot of it. I will mean learning to trust all over again, it will mean truly forgiving her, and her of you also. On her part it will mean putting a end to this relationship with this man. Bear in mind that it has to be a act of her will and yours to make this work, it can't be one trying it and the other just going along for the ride. I pray this will work out for you. Simway
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RE: It's to late isn't it? - 11/15/2008 11:15:17 PM
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hnt
Posts: 541
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I'm so sorry! My prayers are with you and your wife. She does seem to have a wall up doesn't she? I would ask you to pray that this wall is brought down, so they you may each address the issues that truly seem to be hindering this relationship.
Do you have any men that can support you during this?
I don't know if this sounds silly or not, but can you send her a weekly gift with a note? I'm not talking spend a million dollars here okay! It could be as small as her favorite candy bar! SOMETHING to gain her attention! Don't expect anything in return. Just do it because you love her. I assume since you live with your sister, and she has her own place both of you are working and may not have all the resources in the world. The gifts don't have to be huge here!
Please seek out support for yourself! Showing love towards someone is never selfish, and with God there is always hope. We may not take the traditional road as some feel we need to, and that's okay! Find your own way!
_____________________________
h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: It's to late isn't it? - 11/16/2008 7:26:29 PM
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creationtalk
Posts: 704
Joined: 6/9/2005
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quote:
I have also read on this site where people claim that love is less of a feeling than a commitment... To them I say if you could feel what I feel now you would understand that love is a feeling and it can be very intense if you have lost the ability to feel that I pity you.
First let me touch on this...Saying that love is more commitment than feeling does NOT mean that love is not a feeling or that there are no emotions/feelings attached to love. However, feelings come and go. We have the first rush of love the "in love" stage where just the sight of the other person brings this intense wave of joy and feeling...then reality sets in and the little habits that were once cute or we thought would go away after marriage start to bother, then annoy, then frustrate, then anger...and the gooey feeling of "in love" is diluted by other feelings...this is where the commitment part of love comes into play...when you don't feel love or "in love," but you choose to love because of the commitment. If you choose to love, decide to act loving regardless of the feeling, you begin to reach a deeper stage of love and feeling. You may not feel the same high that you felt in the "in love" stage, but there is a deeper connection--now when the person you love is not present, it is more like a part of yourself is missing. This is a cycle that can we can go through many times. We may not always feel loving toward someone. They can do things that we do not like or that hurt us, but we choose to continue to love, to act in love...that is the commitment part of love. Some people believe that love is gone when the "in love" phase passes...they don't/won't give the relationship a chance to progress to the deeper more intimate love.
I'm very sorry for what you are going through. I have known the pain you are experiencing and my heart breaks for you. As to "is it too late" only time will tell. God can and does work miracles, but sometimes it's not what we think we want. I agree that keeping the door open to restoration of your marriage is the proper thing to do...I'm not sure that I totally agree with sending a weekly gift...a weekly correspondence that sometimes includes a gift might be more appropriate--and any gift would have to be something that lets her know you are thinking of her--for example: don't buy her roses if she doesn't like cut flowers; don't buy her chocolates if she's allergic to chocolate.
One other suggestion...Think back over your marriage What are some things that you did while you were dating that you no longer did after you married? What are some habits you have that might have bothered her. Was there anything that she complained about or asked you to do that you didn't do? What happened in March that might have made her "fall out of love"? Use this time apart to work on getting yourself and your life in order--financially, emotionally, spiritually so that you will be prepared what ever happens with your marriage.
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RE: It's to late isn't it? - 11/17/2008 12:47:58 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/26/2007
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Oh, wow, Sstevens426, I am so sorry this has happened to you. The others are right - pray like crazy. God can move mountains and He can move in this lost little girl's heart. Also, get some good marriage counseling. Start with your pastor and if he can't help find a trained Christian counselor. And go to the library and find (or do an interlibrary loan) on James Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough." It's written for people in the exact spot you find yourself in.
If this woman was visibly moving away from you emotionally at six months of marriage, that means the sin was growing in her long before that (no one sins big time suddenly - it starts small and grows until it's so big others can see it). She has a major character flaw that allows her to cheat on her new husband. It was cruel to point you to that picture of her; she was hurting you on purpose. Very destructive. She is tolerating sin instead of confessing and repenting of it and rebuilding her relationship with you, whom she took vows with. To rebuild your marriage, all of this would have to be dealt with.
Are you both confessing Christians?
This must be terrible for you. I am praying for you and her tonight. May God be merciful to you both.
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: It's to late isn't it? - 11/17/2008 10:24:10 AM
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laura...
Posts: 2925
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
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quote:
ORIGINAL: sstevens426
I am married to a beautiful girl. I am 25 she just turned 24. Since we were married in August of 07 I had been working over 50 hours a week most weeks to make sure things were paid for and just skimming by.She is working a part time job and is a student.
I found out just after our one year anniversary that she had been having an emotional affair with a man who lives in Alberta Canada (we live in upstate NY).
She had sent him lewed pictures of herself since late June when they started talking.
She left her email open one day and called me and told me to read it. The photos almost killed me from heartbreak and the photos enraged me. I only blamed myself for not being around more.
She felt that she had stopped loving me in March. After a couple weeks (and only 2 days of counseling) that she wanted a divorce and that we could only be friends. She asked me to go find someone else.
I made a horrible mistake and slept with another woman, I know how bad that is and I asked her forgiveness to which she replied "That is what I wanted I need you to move on"
Since then we have moved, I moved in with my sister and she moved into an efficiency. She continues to talk to him and thinks she is in love and it is more an attention thing and I know this to be true.
I still love her with all my heart and would give my life for her. Is there anything I can do anything I can say. I have been praying about this but my mind and heart are clouded with intense sorrow at loosing her.
I once had a dream that she died and I woke up crying and screaming in pain but this is so much worse.
I have also read on this site where people claim that love is less of a feeling than a commitment... To them I say if you could feel what I feel now you would understand that love is a feeling and it can be very intense if you have lost the ability to feel that I pity you. But that is not what I am asking about in this post. I am asking is there anything I can say or do to let her know that I still love her and I don't want to get a divorce in the year after our separation that I don't want to lose her for my transgressions? Or am I know being selfish and should let her go?
If your wife had understood that love is less of a feeling and more of a commitment you wouldn't be going through this pain. She's basing all of her actions and decisions on feelings. She stopped "feeling" in love with you in March. She "feels" in love with this cyber friend in Canada.
My heart breaks for you. I've been there. I have an ex husband who stopped "feeling" in love with me and started "feeling" in love with someone else. I know the pain you are experiencing. The only answer for you is to grab ahold of Jesus and trust in Him. Jesus will carry you through this time.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: It's to late isn't it? - 11/17/2008 12:19:36 PM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4478
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
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quote:
ORIGINAL: sstevens426
I am asking is there anything I can say or do to let her know that I still love her and I don't want to get a divorce in the year after our separation that I don't want to lose her for my transgressions? Or am I know being selfish and should let her go?
if you go through with a divorce your chances of reconciliation are near zero so don't speed things up in that regard just to please her or make her happy. are you supporting her in any way - such as financially or recreationally (hanging out together), or helping her with errands? everyone said pray and of course that's important. if you are still in any opposite sex relationships, you need to end them immediately. you can't be pursuing two goals at the same time, and more importantly you're still married. i'd suggest signing up for divorce care daily email devotions (link). you won't get spammed and they take less than 5 minutes to read and will help you get emotionally stable which is crucial here. good luck, i'll be praying for you.
_____________________________
Photoblogging My Life
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RE: It's to late isn't it? - 11/17/2008 10:48:19 PM
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sstevens426
Posts: 6
Joined: 11/15/2008
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To everyone I appreciate the comments and support. I have been praying. On an up not I stopped by and said HI to her today, at first she seemed like she didn't want me there and then we started talking a bit. When I got home I talked to her on instant messenger and she seemed distracted. But I may be going over again this week. IDK if she'll want to go do anything or watch a movie together, but I will try if not I will leave when it seems appropriate.
To answer a few questions:
I have no one to support me in this besides My own faith. The general consensus is that I should give up and move on and that I will just wind up hurting more if I pursue our relationship.
I do know the habits that bothered her and I know that working 50+ hours a week put a strain on our relationship, always being tired and not wanting to move when I got home and being to soar and tired to want to move on my day off.
I do not have a job right now I quit the job I was at because: 1. I couldn't do anything to help the matter while working there. 2. I had to move 3. I never wanted to work there and it was slowly killing me to work for that company especially because of there feeling toward employees (no I will not name the company)
No we are not BOTH confessing Christians. I am a Christian and I hold my faith in God though I have not been to church in a while. She always claimed to be an atheist, but I got her to admit that she is not, She believes in God but her faith is not very strong.
< Message edited by sstevens426 -- 11/18/2008 10:31:00 PM >
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RE: It's to late isn't it? - 11/18/2008 10:37:34 PM
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sstevens426
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I have one big question
No one has ever told her about commitment and trying to work past these hard spots. I don't know if she can ever break down that wall and even if she decides not to stay with me it will ruin any relationship she is in.
IS THERE ANY WAY TO GET HER TO SEE THAT ANY WAY TO HAVE SOMEONE TEACH HER THAT WITHOUT HER GETTING PUSHED AWAY WITH A FEELING THAT SHE IS BEING PUSHED INTO THAT FRAME OF THINKING?
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RE: It's to late isn't it? - 11/18/2008 11:05:16 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/26/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: sstevens426No one has ever told her about commitment and trying to work past these hard spots. I don't know if she can ever break down that wall and even if she decides not to stay with me it will ruin any relationship she is in.
IS THERE ANY WAY TO GET HER TO SEE THAT ANY WAY TO HAVE SOMEONE TEACH HER THAT WITHOUT HER GETTING PUSHED AWAY WITH A FEELING THAT SHE IS BEING PUSHED INTO THAT FRAME OF THINKING?
For this woman, whom I assume took marriage vows before God, to throw her marriage out the window - she has big, big issues about life.
Did a pastor marry you guys? Did he do premarital counseling? She probably heard about commitment then. But I don't think commitment is what she needs to hear about - it's a God who made the universe and rules it morally and calls for her to surrender her life to His kingship she needs to hear... and do it. Everything else cascades from there.
Only God can change a person's heart so keep praying God will change her. He can do miracles, and loves to give His people good things. Look at Ps. 84:11: No good thing does He withhold from him who walks uprightly. It's a promise for each of us. So grab the foot of the cross like you're in a hurricane (because life is really giving you a hard time) and pray for God's will in her life and yours.
May God save her, sanctify her and cause her to become your good wife. God bless you.
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: It's to late isn't it? - 11/19/2008 12:50:25 AM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 766
Joined: 11/28/2005
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If your wife wants out of the marriage and her actions
seem to suggest that ... working 50 hrs. a week or working just 40
isn't the real issue. She has a problem with commitment and keeping
herself from seeking the attention of another man.
Married one year and you find out she's having an emotional affair and sending him lewd photos of herself! So the "affair" was going on prior to
the one year anniversary.
*I suggest that you get back into a steady relationship with God
and start faithfully attending church and renewing your faith in the Lord.
Putting God aside isn't a good idea because God doesn't want to be second in your life. You need spiritual food daily and when you don't get it - you become weak in faith and the next thing you know - you're out of church and out doing your own thing.
Since you are married to an unbeliever it is most important that you
get back to reading your Bible and attending church faithfully.
You may want your wife back but may I suggest that you urge her to get
into counseling(with or without you.)
Don't take her back if she's not dealt with her own issues -
getting back together should be done if you both have made amends
and are showing positive growth.
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RE: It's to late isn't it? - 11/19/2008 8:14:52 PM
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sstevens426
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The only problem with that statement... If she doesn't want me back she can not be persuaded to go to counseling.
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RE: It's to late isn't it? - 11/20/2008 10:27:56 AM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4478
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
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quote:
ORIGINAL: sstevens426
The only problem with that statement... If she doesn't want me back she can not be persuaded to go to counseling.
right ... wayward spouses can't be persuaded to do much at all ... most affairs end on their own ... especially when exposed to reality ... it's possible that once she meets this person, her feelings will change ... i don't see you being able to do much besides praying and try to spend time with her NOT discussing the relationship (your or hers with other person) ... just try to be friends and do things ...
_____________________________
Photoblogging My Life
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RE: It's to late isn't it? - 11/20/2008 1:47:33 PM
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sstevens426
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That is probably the best advice I have heard. I still have trouble talking to her though. I am mad at myself a bit for not being able to control my feelings for her.
I keep praying and will continue. although I still find it hard to go to church after some very bad experiences with a few churches. I ask that comments about that are held back as that is not my reason for this thread.
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RE: It's to late isn't it? - 11/22/2008 1:58:27 PM
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AbbyGrace
Posts: 660
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quote:
ORIGINAL: sstevens426
The only problem with that statement... If she doesn't want me back she can not be persuaded to go to counseling.
I was faced with a divorce, one that I never wanted and one that I didnt see coming, and it was not due to an affair, but just other problems. He refused counseling and was set on this divorce. It has been one of the hardest things that I have ever gone through, especially being a Christian, because I was beginning to feel like that the Lord had let me down, that He let the devil walk in and ruin my marriage, but today I see things differently. When we pray, and when we give our troubles and our burdens to the Lord, that means, we step out of the equation, and we allow Him to do what needs to be done, that means we have to trust Him and we have to be patient...those are 2 of the hardest things that I have been faced with. So pray, and believe that God holds this in His hands, and be patient with Him. God wants what is best for both of you, but we have to always remember, we are not on His timetable......Im praying for you :)
_____________________________
Hebrews 12:14 "Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord." 
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RE: It's to late isn't it? - 1/3/2009 11:40:56 PM
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sstevens426
Posts: 6
Joined: 11/15/2008
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update... The guy my wife was talking to on the net dumped her 2 days before Christmas. She has been talking to me a little but she doesn't want to talk too much. I'm not sure if I even care anymore even though I still love her she may be better off with out me...
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RE: It's to late isn't it? - 1/4/2009 12:12:27 AM
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mrf084
Posts: 103
Joined: 12/14/2007
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Well don't fall into the dysfunctional funk brother. Pick yourself up and motor on. She might see what she saw at first. Pray to God for His strength. Go do some fellowshipping somewhere and find the joy. People disappoint at times but God is always there.
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RE: It's to late isn't it? - 1/4/2009 2:16:24 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/26/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: sstevens426I keep praying and will continue. although I still find it hard to go to church after some very bad experiences with a few churches. I ask that comments about that are held back as that is not my reason for this thread.
0_o
"Please don't tell me I need to gas up my car because I've had some bad experiences with gas stations."
I'm doing the Christian version of grabbing you by your lapels and going eye-to-eye with you: your marriage/life is falling apart and you don't want to be involved in a church in violation of what God told you to be. We are to be in relationship with other Christians and under the authority of pastors/elders, all whom are to help us, support us, teach us God's Word and God's ways (like how to run a marriage that works), correct us and hold us up in prayer so God will help us.
If you found a lousy church, go find a better one. If you were the problem, then get under a pastor's help and let him teach you how to do life God's way.
God made marriage, and it only works His way. God established the church and it only works His way. God also made your life and it only works His way. You'll learn His way by reading His Word (the Bible - daily and seriously), talking to Him (prayer), fellowshipping with His people (sinners) and sitting under the teaching and authority of His undershepherds (pastors). And you can read books by other godly and well-trained Christians (I highly recommend Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" written for people in exactly your position).
God has good plans for Christians, but each Christian needs to be seriously walking with God and not being a spiritual John Wayne. If you want to do-it-yourself, then you don't have the resources to succeed because life is a spiritual battle.
I'm sorry to be so blunt with you, but God gives us the way to succeed and you look like you're going down your own road instead of His. I'm concerned about your marriage and your life. I'm jumping up and down, pointing to the road signs: I think you missed a turn and are going the wrong way.
"No good thing will God withhold from him who walks uprightly." Ps. 84:11
How can you be walking uprightly when you are violating God's command to be in fellowship with other Christians? Go find a church, get some pastoral help and let the other Christians pray for you. If you want to go the deluxe route, get an older, mature Christian man from that church to take you under his wing and disciple you.
quote:
I'm not sure if I even care anymore even though I still love her she may be better off with out me...
When you married, you two took vows before God to love each other the rest of your lives. She won't be better off without you because that makes her a vow-breaker, and God isn't going to bless that with a good life. Feelings come and go (and get trampled) but real love means doing what is best for the other person, even if it means personal sacrifice to do so.
God bless you, brother. Go do God's thing, and may you find success in God. That's the only place it exists for real. I'm praying for you and your wife tonight.
(Heb. 10: 25, Eph. 4:11, 1 Corinthians 12:28, Hebrews 5:12. Do concordance word searches on "saints" and "together" if you want - very interesting. There's a link in my sig line)
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: It's to late isn't it? - 1/7/2009 11:24:58 AM
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committedwife
Posts: 19
Joined: 12/19/2008
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SO I have skimmed though most of the replies on here and they sound like excellent advice and thoughts. First of all, I wouldn't blame yourself for what happened. Maybe had you been around more, this particular thing may not have happened, but it could have been something else later on down the road. I think though, that it is time for you to take care of yourself and get back on track with God and pray your heart out! And pray for your wife.
Second, I know you would do anything to have her back in your life, but have you thought about the trust aspect? Whats going to go through your mind if you do get back together and you have to work late and she is home alone? My husband works out of town and one week he was gone he decided he was bored and started to reply to sex ads on craigslist.com. And I found this out b/c he had left his email open and I saw these crazy emails and of course looked into it. As far as i know thats all there is to it, but now I monitor his internet use like I would a teenager and it drives me crazy to know who he is texting and talkin to on the phone. Its hard and even harder to repair a situation like this.
Just give it time and wait for your answer from God. And take whatever it is he gives you. Its ok to be sad if it truly doesn't work out, but know that He did this for a greater reason. And if it does work out, also know that He has a bigger purpose in mind!
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