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Marriage Is Falling Apart... - 11/15/2008 10:49:22 PM
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mardog
Posts: 4
Joined: 11/15/2008
Status: offline
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Hello all, I am new here & am so glad I found this site. Everyone seems so nice & caring, exactly what I need! Somebody to listen & care.
I am 31 & have been married for 5 years. My husband & I have a 6 month old baby boy & my stepson who is 10. I love my husband very much, we have known each other for 19 years & i was the happiest woman in the world when he asked me to marry him. I never thought then that I could feel the way I do now. I am so very unhappy. My husband has always had a bad problem with controling his anger. He seems to snap at the most inconsequential things (such as me forgetting to get eggs while at the store or leaving the mop out to dry on the front porch) and he also has a bad habit of belittling my parenting skills in front of our stepson. Every time I open my mouth to say something to my stepson (it could besomething good such as telling him what a great job he did on his spelling test) my husband is immediately judging - rolling his eyes & sighing & shaking his head. Alot of times he'll say 'Just cut him some slack why don't u!' before I've even breathed a word. I'm a stay at home Mom so unfortunately I have to handle most of the discipline for our children and that automatically makes me out to be the bad guy. I love my stepson as if he were my own though. I just recently had my first child after suffering 4 miscarriages so I always thought that my stepson would be my only child. I love him very, very much. I'm beginning to wonder though if our relationship will ever be able to grow with my husband attacking me for every little thing I do. An example of this: My stepson has to read for 30 minutes everyday, this is required by his teacher. I thought it would be a great idea to have him read bible stories out loud to his baby brother thus helping the baby with his language developmnt as well as helping my stepson knock out some of his daily reading time & spend quality time with his brother. Well my husband jumped on me for that saying that it was wrong of me to have him do that when he could've been outside playing on such a pretty day. That is just one example of the many ways he hurts me in this area. Oh and that was all said right in front of our sons, so that pretty much eliminates their chances of ever learning to respect me or my authority in our house.
My husband goes to wor everyday to provide for our family and I appreciate that more than he will ever know. I stay at home (which I am ever so grateful to be able to do) and raise our beautiful children as best as I can. In the evenings when my husband gets home I am so excited; to tell him about my day, things the baby did, how our other son did in school, etc. He never hears a word I say.And all he ever says in reply is huh?It's as if the only time he ever realizes I am there is if a shirt has a wrinkle in it or if I'm late putting dinner on the table. This hurts me to my very core. It's as if I'm invisible. I get no help with the baby, I haven't had more than 4 hrs of sleep a nite for 6 months and I'm worn out. I don't have any family at all where we live so the people I love and that love me aren't able to help. I love my husband with all my heart and would do anything in the world for him. His harsh words and the way he looks at me in digust everyday it seems is just breaking my heart to pieces, a little more gone everyday. I know that our marriage is falling apart and I am so scared it's gonna go too far to ever be able to get it back. My husband acts like he can't stand me & I just can't take anymore of the yelling, and the belittling. We're both reading those books 'For Better or for Best' (for me) and 'If Only He Knew (for him) but it just doesn't seem to me like he's trying to change anything. I'm trying so hard to do what it says to do. I pray everyday and ask the Lord what I am to do & can He please help open my husbands eyes to let him see that he's killing our marriage, that every hurtful word he says, everytime he turns a deaf ear on me & chooses to watch the news, everytime he hollers at me in front of our kids, he's just pushing me further and further away. I don't know what to do. I really just needed to vent, I really just need a friend really bad. I really miss my mommy too. Thank youall so much for listening to me. Any help would be appreciated so much. Wishing you all the best in your daily endeavors - God bless...
K
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RE: Marriage Is Falling Apart... - 11/15/2008 11:10:30 PM
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1957Hedgehog
Posts: 10
Joined: 5/20/2005
Status: offline
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Kimberly, I'm a DivorceCare facilitator at our church and have a couple of suggestions for you. First, keep praying. Stand beside God and look at your situation together. Listen closely for His divine direction. Second, try and find a support group like DivorceCare or a church small group. Preferrably other women you can trust in similar circumstances. Third, find a DivorceCare near you. Google or Yahoo can find the website so you can look for sessions near you. Lastly, pick up the book called Boundaries. You may want to read it first, then have your husband read it if he will.
At this point, not being a professional psychologist but knowing a bit about relationships, I believe you are only experiencing "symptoms" of possibly deeper "wounds" in your husband. I'd suggest he and you seek a good Christian Counselor. Of course, you can always start with your church pastor first to break the ice of meeting together with a trusted spiritual guide who can help you down the road of marital healing.
Marriage is such a blessing in my life but it took me 3 trys to get it right, with God's help of course. I pray you and your husband can turn to Jesus together for lasting love and peace. Best wishes.
_____________________________
Better together <><
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RE: Marriage Is Falling Apart... - 11/16/2008 8:19:06 AM
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csl7037
Posts: 2064
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: online
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quote:
1 Peter 3:1.Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives,
2.when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.
3.Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes.
4.Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.
5.For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands,
6.like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
It might not seem to fit, but this is what I just thought of. Your husband might be saved but doesn't seem to "believe the Word" - believe in the power to heal from his past, make this marriage right, and to be a safe base for his life . . . he's certainly not living like he really believes (or understands) what God's word says.
I think he'll need to see the "purity and reverence of your life" - and the peace and joy you can begin to walk in . . . that sounds like what he needs to see. Don't let his anger and problems change who you are because, for God to be able to work in his life, he's probably going to need you to stay focused on Him rather than be sucked into responding in a way that will perpetuate the pain it sounds like he's carried much longer than your five years together.
God really can heal him and heal you. And you see what's at stake in your boys and need to get with God and really intercede to see Him move and bring freedom to your husband's heart. It sounds like you're married to a very wounded man (to some extent, we probably all are). Mabye reading through "Power of a Praying Wife" would bring you peace and start to open the doors for God to move.
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RE: Marriage Is Falling Apart... - 11/16/2008 9:52:29 AM
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Szaftoo
Posts: 796
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: So. Calif.
Status: offline
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Do you have someone you can talk to and who will agree with you in prayer? Do you attend a church that could help?
I will pray for the healing of your marriage.
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RE: Marriage Is Falling Apart... - 11/16/2008 11:07:19 PM
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mardog
Posts: 4
Joined: 11/15/2008
Status: offline
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Thank you all so, so much for your help and concern. It gives me hope knowing that these issues may go deeper than just being my fault or something I'm doing wrong. In asnwer to your questions, yes we do have a church home though I regret to say we've missed the past few weeks. I will definitely get in touch with my pastor & try to find a good Christian counselor that could help us. I would like to learn more about divorce care - is this for people going though divorce? I was just curious as to the name? My husband truly is a wonderful man (although I know to some he probably sounds awful) and I love him with all my heart. He was an atheist up until we were married and then gave his life to Christ (after a mighty long fight that we went through with Satan I might add). I had just abut given up all hope when one day he came to me & told me he wanted us to start going to church together. We found a wonderful church and that was when I really started to see changes in him, BIG changes. But recently he seems like he's going back to his old ways. We just had our 1st baby (together) in May after losing 4. I know that was hard for him and that I put alot of stress on him trying to get pregnant. I don't know if the stress of having our new little one here with us is wearing on him or what. I'm just at a loss. So once again thank you all so much for your help, I'm going out to get the books tomorrow and will look into counseling this week. I'll keep everyone posted, God bless you all, K
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RE: Marriage Is Falling Apart... - 11/17/2008 10:48:44 AM
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Simway
Posts: 59
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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I know all this is hard to deal with. I wonder if your husband is dealing with some issues from his past, and anger is the way he is expressing these issues? I know from experience issues of the past can take contorl and that is about all a person thinks about, everything else is looked at as not important when they really are. Also a way of not accepting responsability for ones own actions. I don't know if any of this applys to your situation, but just some thougths of my own. Simway
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RE: Marriage Is Falling Apart... - 11/17/2008 3:19:35 PM
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mommyoftwosillykids
Posts: 4
Joined: 11/12/2008
Status: offline
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Hi, i read your post and i am sorry you are going through this with your husband. I too have been having issuses with my hubby, maybe stupid to everyone else but not to me, i couldn't even get my pastor to call or email me when i emailed him my problem, so i have no friends to turn to either and the one i thought i could talk to turned his back on me. I hope it all gets better, sounds like your a great mom and wife, more patient than me thats for sure. God Bless.
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RE: Marriage Is Falling Apart... - 11/20/2008 7:41:58 AM
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Iamsharc
Posts: 5
Joined: 10/13/2008
From: South of the Mason Dixon line
Status: offline
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First to Mommyof2, please don't give up, if you only sent an e-mail to your pastor, it might have gotten "lost" is cyberspace! Give the church a call, if the pastor can't help maybe there's someone else there who can.
Mardog - I agree with 1957Hedgehog, please pray for your husband. Pray with all your might. God is good, and will hear your prayers. You said that your DH was an atheist and gave his heart to Christ! Praise God for that!
There was once a time in my life that I (like you) was so excited to see my husband as soon as he hit the door, that I bombarded him with everything that happened that day. Eventually I came to realize that he needed time to "unwind" when he got home. Now, I am not comparing my DH to yours, because everyone is different. Maybe you just have to see what works for you guys.
I will be praying for you.
_____________________________
"But when I get where I'm going and I see my Maker's face, I'll stand foreve in the light of his amazing grace"
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RE: Marriage Is Falling Apart... - 11/20/2008 6:04:29 PM
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1957Hedgehog
Posts: 10
Joined: 5/20/2005
Status: offline
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The main message of DivorceCare is reconciliation, both with God and your spouse. The website is http://www.divorcecare.com/. Give it a look...they have a 6 week online program plus "One Day At A Time" daily email inspirationals. The sessions are specifically designed for those of us who've separated from or divorced our spouses. It is faith based and focuses on healing, how we respond to this storm (anger, etc.), children in divorce, forgiveness, how God feels about divorce and us (God's Word), how to find God in the midst of storms such as these, and finally and most earnestly how to reconcile our marriages.
I've been separated and divorced from my ex for over 16 years, and happily married to my soulmate for 14 years. Even after all this time, I attended the full DivorceCare program (in preparation for facilitating in the future), and I can honestly say I was blessed. It explained a lot of what I should have done back then. It explained a lot of why I still have some "baggage" left over. And it proved to me I never really completely healed from those wounds. But I was surrounded by wonderful facilitators and others currently suffering their storms, and it is amazing how God works through others to bless us all the more.
God's grace and peace be with you!
_____________________________
Better together <><
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RE: Marriage Is Falling Apart... - 11/21/2008 8:12:07 AM
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3cappuccinosmom
Posts: 2603
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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At face value, it sounds like your husband is horrible. 
I will tell you, it took my husband and I nearly 5 years to learn to live together peacefully, and there are still certain issues that sometimes need to be dealt with. You have an extra issue, because he has a failed relationship behind him and a son who's not yours together--that complicates things because your dh probably feels he needs to be the "good guy" to his son in order to keep his heart. And you have both been under tremendous stress and sorrow with the losses of so many babies. 
I love what csl said. Don't allow yourself to get caught up in a vicious cycle. It is sooooo easy to snap back at him, say something hurtful in return, give him the cold shoulder, etc when you feels he's being mean. But that will only escalate the problem--up the ante, so to speak. Then he needs to "save face" by being right and reacts to you, and then you feel that's more proof of his meanness so you react back, and so on. One thing I would especially caution you about is assigning motives to your dh's words and actions. If he says "I hate you", you can assume he means it, or at least that he's really, really mad at you. But if he's crabby and gives you "a look", don't immediately jump to "You just looked at me in a certain way, obviously you hate me". Both dh and I have done this to each other and truly, it does nothing but create a horrible mess. I was so surprised at what happened when I tried giving dh some space when he is grumpy or non-responsive--if I backed off and came back to him later on, he was actually able to talk to me, and most of the time his misery was not because of me at all and he wasn't aware of how it was affecting the rest of us.
_____________________________
 Moo
Shameless Self Promotion
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RE: Marriage Is Falling Apart... - 11/21/2008 11:58:20 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 2940
Joined: 8/9/2007
From: California
Status: offline
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Mardog, I can't add a whole lot to what has been said, but while I think Gary Smalley's "If Only He Knew," is a great book for men, I don't care for his "For Better or For Best" book for women...he seems to be telling women how to manipulate rather then telling them what they should do...For Women, I think a better book is "MEN: Some Assembly Required," and it gives a real insight into how men think..in spite of the title, it really isn't about trying to change your man, but rather to understand him. I'm not recalling the author off the top of my head...I'll try to look it up..
Also, have you considered writing your husband a letter about all of this? Sometimes the written word gets through when the verbal does not.
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