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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 11/18/2008 8:15:48 AM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 3273
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The creepiest blind date ever
Mods, please delete it if anyone is offended by it.
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Wishing for a Steelers/Eagles superbowl.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 11/21/2008 9:44:22 AM
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John_O
Posts: 8028
Joined: 9/5/2006
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Snopes
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Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 11/21/2008 10:10:26 AM
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John_O
Posts: 8028
Joined: 9/5/2006
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Elections are held in November because that’s the best month to choose a turkey.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 11/21/2008 10:12:24 AM
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JustJeannie
Posts: 5096
Joined: 6/14/2007
From: the state of confusion
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
Elections are held in November because that’s the best month to choose a turkey.
OMG
ROFLMHO
_____________________________
Jeannie
'Cause I'm cool like that....
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 11/21/2008 3:52:21 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8028
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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Two guys were driving to Mexia, Texas.
Neither had been there before and were discussing how to pronounce “Mexia.”
One was saying “Meh-he-cah.” and the other was saying “Mex-e-ah.”
They pulled in to the first business in town and to settle it, they asked the clerk.
“So we can settle an arguement about the how the name is pronounced, could you say the name of this place very slowly?”
The clerk said, “Sure. It’s pronounced Dairy Queen.”
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 11/25/2008 11:00:03 AM
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John_O
Posts: 8028
Joined: 9/5/2006
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This can be really sad or funny, depending on your point of view.
SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2008
Scenario :
Jack goes quail hunting before school,
pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun,
goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2008 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail
and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in
for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario :
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins.
Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2008 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark.
Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario :
Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2008- Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie.
Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state
because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car
and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal,
goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2008 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse.
Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang.
State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers
being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2008 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations.
Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario :
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2008 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state.
Newspaper articles appear nationally
explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist.
ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system
and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum.
Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up
mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July,
puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2008- BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called..
Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents,
siblings removed from home, computers confiscated,
Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list
and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario :
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.
He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2008 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.
She faces 3 years in State Prison.
Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy .
This should hit every e-mail
to show how stupid we have become
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 11/25/2008 11:04:03 AM
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John_O
Posts: 8028
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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THE GOOD NAPKINS ... Ahhhhh ... The joys of having Girls
My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake)?
One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar.
I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping ''napkins" in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for 'special occasions' (her second mistake).
Now fast forward a few months....
It's Thanksgiving Day and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife. We were all given assignments while they were gone.? Mine was to set the table. When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter.
Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a 'special occasion' Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!! My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.
'But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!'?
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 11/26/2008 10:01:53 AM
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John_O
Posts: 8028
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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If Satan lost his hair, there would be hell toupee!
Demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Fangs for the Memories: Vampire the Musical
Confucius say: Man who stand on toilet, high on pot.
Confucius say: Man who lives in glass house, change clothes in basement.
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
Liberal: A church with four commandments and six suggestions
Resume: The closest any of us will ever come to perfection
Date: An organized meeting with someone who has yet to realize their intense dislike for you
Sabbatical: A Latin word meaning 'I quit but you won't know it for sure for a year'
Irony: Buying a suit with two pairs of pants and then burning a hole in the coat
Marriage: The process of finding out what type of person your spouse would prefer
The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 11/26/2008 10:04:28 AM
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John_O
Posts: 8028
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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From the "I wish I had said that" file:
And this is true, no bull: When in a biology class at Cypress College we were studying genetics, using “Indian” corn. The multi colored kernels were the subject of close study. I asked our instructor what color the darker kernels would be if popped, as in pop corn.
Instructor Alice Goldman paused, then said that since the ears of corn had shellac on them as a preservative, we'd first have to sand the shellac off before popping them.
“I have the perfect person in mind for that!” I said. Kernel Sanders!
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 11/26/2008 4:06:49 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8028
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his stretch limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.
He asked one of the men, “Why are you eating grass?”
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have no choice. We have to eat grass.”
“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.
“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”
“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us also.”
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!”
“Bring them all as well,” the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the stretch limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high!”
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 11/26/2008 4:12:14 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8028
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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Every Thanksgiving in my family we would all get together for a family dinner. We were a large family but could only afford one turkey. The children were all at a separate table, and would have to wait for the platters to reach us after passing through the adults. Even though I longed
for some white meat, all too often the turkey would run out before the platters reached us, and I would not even get dark meat. We would have to settle for hot dogs. From that experience, I learned a very valuable lesson in life. “Hope for the breast, but prepare for the wurst.”
Martha Stewarts Recipe for Chicken Stock:
50 Shares of Tyson
25 Shares of Con-Agri
100 Shares of KFC
Keep on ice until ready to be tossed.
Why did the Pilgrim kill the turkey?
Because he was in a fowl mood.
My wife gave me a haircut this morning. Now, she’s going to make Thanksgiving Day dinner with all the trimmings.
Why did the band leader save the drumsticks from thirty- eight turkeys?
Because he wanted seventy-six tom bones.
Did you hear about the waiter who dropped a Thanksgiving dinner on the floor and feared he had created an international incident?
It was the downfall of Turkey, the ruin of Greece, and the breaking up of China.
As the leftover turkey said after it was wrapped up and refrigerated,
“Foiled again.”
Did you hear about the X-rated turkey?
It’s served with very little dressing.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 11/28/2008 10:41:14 AM
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kj88il
Posts: 2167
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: IL (NW Central)
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
If Satan lost his hair, there would be hell toupee!
Demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Fangs for the Memories: Vampire the Musical
Confucius say: Man who stand on toilet, high on pot.
Confucius say: Man who lives in glass house, change clothes in basement.
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
Liberal: A church with four commandments and six suggestions
Resume: The closest any of us will ever come to perfection
Date: An organized meeting with someone who has yet to realize their intense dislike for you
Sabbatical: A Latin word meaning 'I quit but you won't know it for sure for a year'
Irony: Buying a suit with two pairs of pants and then burning a hole in the coat
Marriage: The process of finding out what type of person your spouse would prefer
The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
i'd like to add my dad's favorite.......
She was only a farmer's daughter....but all the horsemen knew her. (sound that last part out)
_____________________________
Kimberly (aka KJ)
Shifing Gears w/ Kimberly
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 12/1/2008 2:13:34 PM
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Tinkerbell_
Posts: 8649
Joined: 1/25/2008
From: NeverNeverLand
Status: offline
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ANSWER #1
It was mealtime during an airline flight . .
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
ANSWER #2
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
ANSWER #3
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
ANSWER #4
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the officer said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
ANSWER #5
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead.
Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up.
the cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas."
A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 12/1/2008 9:52:47 PM
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MyCatSmokey2006
Posts: 3170
Status: offline
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quote:
ANSWER #1
It was mealtime during an airline flight . .
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
ANSWER #2
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
ANSWER #3
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
ANSWER #4
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the officer said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
ANSWER #5
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead.
Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up.
the cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas."
A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
ROFLOLIMHO! 
_____________________________
Melissa
<---Smokey
Tribute to a Good Friend (Blog Entry)
MY CAT POST
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 12/3/2008 8:15:40 AM
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JustJeannie
Posts: 5096
Joined: 6/14/2007
From: the state of confusion
Status: offline
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Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful - we never even felt hungry!
But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it, I checked the recipes again.
There, in fine print, was: "Serves 6."
_____________________________
Jeannie
'Cause I'm cool like that....
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 12/3/2008 11:41:27 AM
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TNBelle
Posts: 419
Joined: 10/10/2008
Status: offline
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An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work.
His only son (who would have helped him) was in prison for bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the Money!"
At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here."
_____________________________
Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.
~Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 12/3/2008 8:30:05 PM
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MyCatSmokey2006
Posts: 3170
Status: offline
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I am a prosecuting attorney in a small Mississippi town and will admit to having a few extra pounds on me. Not long ago, I was questioning a witness in an armed robbery case. I asked, "Would you describe the person you saw?"
The witness replied, "He was kind of short and stout."
"You mean short and stout like me?" I asked.
"Oh, no," the witness said. "He wasn't that fat."
_____________________________
Melissa
<---Smokey
Tribute to a Good Friend (Blog Entry)
MY CAT POST
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 12/4/2008 9:51:34 AM
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KeysChristian
Posts: 11
Joined: 11/13/2008
From: Umm... I've moved around a bit
Status: offline
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Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on
-------------
The Reply:
--------------
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Dad
_____________________________
I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do. I will not forsake them.
Isaiah 42:16
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 12/4/2008 9:54:32 AM
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KeysChristian
Posts: 11
Joined: 11/13/2008
From: Umm... I've moved around a bit
Status: offline
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Why Parents Go Gray
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "no."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"They're looking for me."
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